The "Tell me a joke" thread

Pooh
Pooh Member, Beta Tester Posts: 674
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edited August 15, 2019 in General Discussion, Weird & Wonderful #1

I'm show we've all got our favorite jokes, so I thought I'd create a place where we can demonstrate why we have day jobs that do not include the title "Stand up Comedian".


Let's keep it PG rated as well - there may be children watching and I'm a very impressionable bear...


I'll start one off with the tale of Joe (someone with whom all consultants might identify with):


Joe, an IT consultant, is enjoying a specially exuberant "post go-live" party with one of his many clients. Consuming one-too-many burgers with five-too-many shots of Bourbon, Joe's heart finely gives up and he collapses on the floor, Stone cold dead.


Joe awakens to a glorious heavenly scene. Beautiful white feathered Angels tooting horns float around him and all of heaven is there to greet him. Signs everywhere proclaim "Welcone, Joe!" and "Well done, Joe!"


Out of the mists Joe spies St Peter walking towards him, a broad smile from ear to heavenly ear.


"Joe!", St Peter exclaims. "Welcome to heaven. Oh how excited we all are to finally meet you!"


Confused, Joe asks "Does everyone who dies get this welcome?"


"Oh no, no, no, no, no!", St Peter chuckles. "You're a very special person!"


"I am?", Joe asked, all quite puzzled by the celebrations going on on his apparent honor. "Why?"


"Why? You ask?", St Peter replied with a hearty laugh, "Why, You're the oldest living human, you've outlived Noah, Jared and even old Methusulah himself! Your name will ring out amongst the pantheon's!"


Joe was very confused. "I'm honored, truly, but very confused. I was 56 just last week. Didn't Methusulah live to be something like 1,000 years old?


"Yes, but you made it to 1,357 years! Oh my, what an achievement!" St Peter explained.


"No, I was 56 last week. I remember the party very well."


St Peter chuckled to himself. "You must be confused my friend. The figures are right - We summed up all your timesheets!"



(I'll show myself out the door)

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Tagged:
VioletChepilMarc

Comments

  • VioletChepil
    VioletChepil London, UKMember Posts: 2,471
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    #2
    hahaha good one @Pooh I'll have to think of one to add before the weekend! I love this thread idea! 

    Community Manager at Fing

  • kltaylor
    kltaylor Member, Beta Tester Posts: 1,231
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    edited August 15, 2019 #3
    I still laugh every time I watch this:



    "There's a fine line between audacity and idiocy."
    -Warden Anastasia Luccio, Captain
    PoohVioletChepilVickyB
  • kltaylor
    kltaylor Member, Beta Tester Posts: 1,231
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    #4
    Saw this one last night while browsing Imgur:
    'A young woman is on trial for beating her husband with his guitars.  The judge asks, "First offender?"
    To which she replies, "No Judge.  First a Gibson, then a Fender!"
    "There's a fine line between audacity and idiocy."
    -Warden Anastasia Luccio, Captain
    PoohVioletChepilMarcKING_CRACKER78GidsterHronosVickyB
  • Pooh
    Pooh Member, Beta Tester Posts: 674
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    #5

    Two men walk into a bar.

    The third man ducks.


    Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

    “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”


    A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"

    The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."


    E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors.”


    A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


    The bartender shouts "Oi! We don't serve your kind here"

    A tachyon walks into a bar.


    (I'll let myself out, now)



    People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
    GidsterMDavideMarcHronos
  • MDavide
    MDavide Member Posts: 53
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    #6

    OK, this might be "PG accompanied by dad" rated, but it is one of my wife's favourite so I'll try to translate this joke for you; ready to be banned :-)

    Once upon a time, Adam and Eve were looking around the terrestrial paradise to find something cool to do.

    At a certain point a voice from the clouds: "Hey down there ! I've got a couple interesting things for you: the first is a penis. Who wants it ?"

    Adam , without even knowing why he could be interested in such an article, quickly said: "I want it !"

    Suddenly he found himself equipped with that stuff, trying to manage how to work with it.

    Eve, surprised by the quick reaction of Adam, kept waiting for the second promised interesting thing, but nothing happened.

    After a while, looking to the clouds :"Hey up there ! What is the second interesting thing you promised ? I think it should be assigned to me."

    No answer.

    After a bit more, Eve again: "Hey, is there anybody up there ?"

    From the clouds: "Don't worry Eve, don't worry. I'm going to assign it to you: it's a brain"


    Davide
    Pooh

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